Choosing Hard

It has been a challenging day.  I am sitting next to my beautiful little Bella knowing that she will soon no longer be with us.  This mini Weiner dog has given me so much, she has been with me through ups and downs, always a steadfast friend by my side.  She is devoted to me and she is demanding of me.  She never lets me slack and always expects the best of me.  She keeps me on my toes.  

We got Bella when she was 8-weeks old.  She was so small that when I put her in my jacket pocket to surprise the kids, they asked, “Did you get a hamster?”  What Bella lacks in physical size she makes up for in personality.  She has always been our Diva Dog, demanding to be the center of attention.  She is loyal and she would put her small body in between me and harm of any size to protect me.  She is courageous.  Bella taught me a lot about expecting to be treated well by both myself and others.  I always admire her tenacity.  

Bella is now approaching her fourteenth birthday.  I had convinced myself that, as a small dog, she would be with me for a couple more years.  That was my story and I was sticking to it.   That is until I was quiet enough to notice the changes…she is sleeping more, playing less, and confused at times about her surroundings.  She hasn’t been eating well and it is not an upset tummy.  I made an appointment with the vet two weeks ago thinking her Valley Fever is back.  When I got the results of the blood work back, I was not faced with illness but rather with age.  My story cracked.

There is a part of me that wants to keep my story going.  I want to tell myself that she is ok, ignore the changes, and deny the reality.  Blissfully ignorant can be appealing in difficult times.  Then I think about what Bella has given me and what she expects from me.  She expects the best of me.  Always.  In this situation, she expects me to do what is best for her no matter how hard it is for me.  She expects me to let go of my story in order to love her well.  

Stepping out of my story I am seeing what Bella needs from me.  She needs me to hand feed her and make sure she gets enough water.  She counts on me to get her from place A to place B when she can’t get there on her own.  She needs me to sit with her.  She needs me to let her rest.  She needs me to monitor her four-legged housemates so they remain calm around her.  Bella needs me to be loyal and courageous.

Next week we all go to a cabin to enjoy cooler weather and a change of scenery.    Bella has always loved camping, digging holes and chasing small furry things.  While the other dogs chase vermin and run through the woods, I look forward to sitting with Bella on the front porch.  I hope she has the energy to dig a hole, if not, I will dig one for her.  I will carry her to different places in the yard offering her new scents to fill her dreams.  I will do my best to love her well.

This will be Bella’s last trip to the woods.  When we return I will see our vet and make final arrangements.  It will be hard.  But I will do what’s hard in order to love Bella well.  She expects nothing less of me.